A TALE OF TWO STATUS

There are those of us that have perhaps 202 “friends” on facebook.   There are those that may boast 10,202.   It’s not that you know them all but rather each connected to a large group that you add either by their wanting to “friend” you or looking to up your numbers.  

Such is a woman named Sharon A.S.  who used her middle name so that that those born after the year 5710 would recognize the “nee” name.   It was 45 years ago that she finally married the boy that she played with in the sandbox and perhaps played “doctor” as well.

Life was so rare as she grew up in the Bronx, had kids, grandkids, and retired to Florida.  One day, she lost her husband.  They put out an alert but nobody could find him.  Oh, I forgot  “lost” means “no longer alive”.   In the Jewish religion you either lose someone or they pass (gas? A football? Hors de ouvres?)

Sharon found herself now being a widow and posted the status on her facebook page.   She received thousands of condolence emails, notices, and an occasional snail mail card.  It did make her feel comforted since as the years went on many close online friendships developed.    

Sharon A.S.  decided to change her status back from “widowed” to “married”.    Being such an elderly woman and marriage no longer an option in her life….the other Barry in her life, Barry Manilow, is spoken for.

So, out went the status change that read, “Sharon is married today”.  Thousands were feeling guilty about not reading her facebook page to find out when she got engaged.   These were not the friends who really knew her.   Each of them sent gift cards or catalogue gifts of food with preservatives. 

Thousands more sent a facebook congratulations and placed her info on a mailing list of sexy undergarms  as they did not remember how old she was.   

Not all was good.   She received thousands of tweets regarding accusing her of having an affair during her original marriage. After all, Barry died only recently and she’s getting married so soon?   Was it a shotgun wedding?  Those that asked were unaware of her age.   Was this new guy peering at her and Barry from a nearby sandbox while writing, “I will wait for you forever” with his little nubby fingers?

Her closer friends were quite upset as none of them were invited to the wedding.  Actually each thought that the others were and felt so left out that they “unfriended” her. 

Sharon now remains friendless of her true friends in her home with a shit load of disgusting food and what looks like a “hoarded” house.   This is what happens when you change your status on facebook!

I'LL BE TRAVELING

I will be traveling soon and not a road trip or Megabus.  Airlines.  Let's begin with that Delta charges $25 for your first checked in baggage.  That's $50 round trip!!!   Time to figure how I'll do the carry-on routine at no charge.  There are restrictions regarding the amount of "liquids".   I think that I can take a regular size deodorant as long as it's a "dry" one.   

I called the hotels that I will be staying at to find out what amenities they have.  Thank goodness that they can supply me with a small tube of toothpaste.   I just spent 77 cents on the regular size of Pepsodent as they were on sale at Stop and Shit.  Still asking where the yellow went (you have to be old enough to get that).  

You can also take a personal bag or laptop.  I'm going  for the personal bag to hold two rubber chickens and items that are not clothing.  Umbrella is free and coat is free.  I can then choose a coat or jacket with pockets.  I don't have to actually wear the coat when going through security.   So why not use the pockets to harbor clothing?  A couple of rolled up t-shirts.  Perhaps I'll wear a t-shirt under a long sleeve shirt that I'll need for the cooler evenings.  That should help as well.

Now, I'm into what I need to pack.  I thought I had it figured out until the tv commercials were getting to me.   You know the bears that "shit in the woods"?  I'm guessing that they killed off Goldilocks because these Charmin creatures must have moved in there as well as renovated it. 

"Enjoy the go" is their ad campaign.  Obviously they are never constipated (nine out of ten people who ARE constipated don't give a shit) or have the runs.  It's bad enough that they learned how to talk, they can also read the newspaper or do g-d knows what while they are on the bowl.  

The problem seems to be with the son.  He just can't wipe his ass if the toilet paper isn't soft enough.  Come to think of it, the father seems to have a problem in that the toilet paper is a fetish.  Oh, cum, cum.  He's not just doing a number 2 on the bowl.  

The son leads you to believe that there is an actual choice of either wiping your ass clean or leaving streak marks on his undies, which is the only reason to have them washed.   

Newest campaign is even worse.  They are telling you to "Join the movement".   Did they really just say that?  Hmmm...What's brown and lies on top of the piano?....Beethoven's last movement.

Now we also have another company that's telling you that it is no longer enough to simply wipe yourself with toilet paper.  You need to have "wipes" for afterwards.   

So here's the thing.  I'm not sure as to what toilet paper the hotels will be providing.  Therefore I need to bring a few rolls of puffy Charmin (I suppose that if I put them in a pillow case, I can use if to doze off on the plane) and some "wipes"....which, of course we will find out in a few years or so that there is something in these wipes that have created a fungus in the women's "down there".  

This way according to the Charmin commercials and "wipes"  I will not even have to bring a change of underwear for the four or five days. I'm so glad that the hotels provide soap!

WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO MY GRAETER'S

I was at Stop and Shop today and looking to buy my favorite ice cream, Graeter's.  OMG what have they been doing with it?  There was more than just freezer burn on these.  Doesn't anyone in the frozen food section notice?  This is not the first time and it looks as though they are not looking to fix it, either.  So, what happens when the reports go in saying that people are not buying the ice cream? 

I don't think you'll find this happening at Fairway Markets.  














Also, check out the signs.  You have a choice of buying strawberries or ones that are sweet for the same price and the same with cherries.  Hmmmm...which one would you choose?

FUNERAL OF LAUGHTER

Even if you have already attended church on Sunday, head over to St. Luke’s Theatre for a convivial and gay Italian funeral.   In fact, the title of the show is “My Big Gay Italian Funeral”.   Keep in mind that although the word “gay” connotes “male homosexual” the word is also defined as “cheerful” and “hilarious”.   In this case, this off-Broadway hit encompasses both definitions.

Anthony Wilkinson is the star as well as the playwright of a stereotyped Italian funeral having already done the same with My Big Gay Italian Wedding.   Whereas the wedding focuses on a same sex Italian wedding, this one focuses on the death of the patriarch Joseph Pinnunsiato.  

The play opens to this Staten Island located funeral parlor and funeral director, Maurizio Grande (Brett Douglas).  Chairs facing the down stage coffin with a place to kneel .   This is for the first viewing and various people will be popping in. 

It is best that I give a list of characters.  Angela Pinnunziato (Donna Castellano) is John’s wife.  There are three children, Anthony (Wilkinson), Peter (Brain Patrick Murphy), and Maria (Marissa Perry).   Anthony, who is older than Peter, are both gay.  Peter will be bringing his lover, Dominick Vitale (Mustafa Gatollari), who was formerly with Anthony.   This will be a focus on a ten year upset between the brothers.

Maria is single and seeing Rabbi Howie Horowitz.  I know… this is already sparking your laughter.  Not going to reveal more than this.

Then there is Aunt Toniann Naso, sister to Joseph, (Debra Toscano) and the one character that helps create the hilarity at the funeral (for us), Ondine Ozzupacci (Beth Dzuricky).   She is not related to anyone.  She is a member of the Tuesday Ladies Coffee Clutch.  Joseph owned a bowling alley and she had been bowling there for 25 years.   She will not only seem to grieve the most but make phones calls to whoever is in Angela’s cell phone list.  OY!  Oh yes, nobody knows who she is. 

A second scene will take place at a gay club in Brooklyn, ten years ago.  This gives us the opportunity to see bits of a drag show and meet Connie Scuccifuffio (Meagan Robar) and her lover, Lucia Fuccio (Liz Geracitano) who although not present lovers have remained friends of Anthony.

Kudos for Anthony Wilkinson the author and Sonia Blangiardo for directing this talented cast. 

Being Italian or knowing enough about Italians will most likely get you guffawing more.   Even if you’re not in this category, you “get it”.   The gay aspect of the script will sell itself.   

Bring tissues for both tears of laughter and the part that will bring other emotions.

GROUNDHOG DAY IDIOT

PICTURE IT....A GROUNDHOG WEARING PANTS...IT'S ON FIRE....HIS NOSE IS AS LONG AS PINOCCHIO'S.  HIS NAME?  FUXSUTAWNEY FOOL!!!!

INTERMEZZO SCARES ME

Listening to a commercial on a product called Intermezzo that aids in giving you a full night sleep.  About a third of the commercial focuses on the product while the rest on the effects.  I looked it up afterwards.

Important information about Intermezzo

"Intermezzo may cause a severe allergic reaction. Stop taking Intermezzo and get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat".  So far, all of these symptoms would certainly prevent me from sleeping! 

"Some people using this medicine have engaged in activity such as driving, eating, or making phone calls and later having no memory of the activity".  Let’s start with the eating part.  I might just remember after suddenly gaining 25 pounds and noticing all of the food missing from the refrigerator.  Phone calls? Wow…this is certainly a much better excuse than "I was drunk”.


"If this happens to you, stop taking Intermezzo and talk with your doctor about another treatment for your sleep disorder"  My doctor?  How about all of my now former friends and pissed off relatives! 


"Intermezzo may impair your thinking or reactions".  I think that aging might have already done that.


"You may still feel sleepy the morning after taking the medication." Sleepy…was I actually getting some sleep with all of these reactions?


"Wait at least 4 hours or until you are fully awake before you drive, operate machinery, pilot an airplane, or do anything that requires you to be awake and alert".  It’s that airplane thing…the problem is that I don’t remember where I put it.


"Do not take this medicine if you have consumed alcohol during the day or just before bed."  Why bother, this one’s a much better excuse.


"To make sure you can safely take Intermezzo, tell your doctor if you have any of these other conditions: kidney disease; liver disease; lung disease such as asthma, bronchitis, emphysema, or chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD); sleep apnea (breathing stops during sleep); myasthenia gravis;" Goodness, here’s another one that I have to look up! "a history of depression, mental illness, or suicidal thoughts; or a history of drug or alcohol addiction."  If I didn’t have suicidal thoughts before taking this stuff and experiencing these side effects, I certainly do now!

STREETCAR...COULDN'T RESIST THIS ONE

With more Broadway and Off-Broadway shows opening, I recently received an email about one coming up in April. I called the office of the public relations group handling it and asked to speak with the person that is publicizes this one.

"I couldn't resist", I said. "Do you remember years ago when guys were running across the college campuses naked? There was this one guy who had the word, 'DESIRE' written across his chest. He was a Streaker Named Desire.

NEWSICAL THE MUSICAL: END OF THE WORLD EDITION

I attended the opening night of Newsical The Musical: End of the World Edition. It was all about the attendees. Broadway stars and some from the cast of One Life To Live as the show is being spoofed about it's leaving the airwaves. They do mention All My Children, but nobody from that cast. Eve Plumb (Jan Brady) was there. Afterwards, a party was held across the street with drinks and finger food.

I'm not going to review as yet but tell you that it's a revue and three of the four cast members are from Forbidden Broadway. Off-Broadway. Character changes. Topical, with song and hilarious!!

Comedy on my mind

Couldn't help thinking about the "no seating during the last hour" airline law. Can't have anything on your lap either. "This is your pilot. We are approaching the one hour before landing time. 15 minutes to go...if anybody has to. The flight attendants will be coming around for the last time. Drinks are $5, Depends are $15. Please store your infants in the overhead compartment until we get to the gate. Thank you for flying TurnBlue." Needless to say some guy will scratch his balls and get beaten up.

Irving Brecher book

Just got a book by comedy writer Irving Brecher as told to Hank Rosenfeld. Rosenfeld and Brecher's wife, Norma, were on my radio show. Reading the book I found that Irving was friends with my cousin, Sid Tomack many years ago and cast him in both a Dean Martin/Jerry Lewis movie and Sail A Crocked Ship. Tomack was also a character in The Life Of Riley.

Killing of Muppets

Back in 1981 there was a show called Fridays, similar to the SNL tv program, but, of course, on Friday evening. Michael Richards was one of the cast members. I probably saw most of the shows but remembered one sketch in particular called Hunting For Muppets. I just found this on youtube and would like to share the humor. Yes, it's sick!

Ida Had A Better Time If Only

I went on the inaugural Sweet lesbian cruise in the Western Caribbean. Before I even get to previews of this trip, that include a day in New Orleans, the starting/ending port. I must relate this first.

As we were checking in, a piece of paper was given to us which said: "This letter is to inform you that during our previous 16 days cruise approximately 12 percent of the guests on board Norwegian Spirit experienced the symptoms of acute gastroenteritis. It appears that embarking passengers or crew brought this on board during the previous cruise. Symptoms included diarrhea and vomiting, nausea, body cramps and mild fever generally lasting 24-hours with treatment. We took all precautions on board to reduce or eliminate contamination and we believe that we have been successful by taking these preventive measures. However, as an extra precaution, we recommend and request that all guests carefully observe the good hygiene practice of washing their hands before eating and after using the restroom. Please keep your hands and objects touched by your hands away from your mouth. Wash your hands frequently and, when hand sinks are not readily available, use the hand sanitizer dispensers strategically located throughout the ship...We do not believe that this illness will be an issue during this cruise; however, if you would prefer to travel on an alternative sailing date, we will issue you a cruise credit certificate for a future cruise equal to the value of what you paid for this cruise".

This is a lesbian cruise! Sweet took over the ship for this private cruise which may or may not happen again on this cruise line!!! Did we all make the right decision to stay?

Well, at every single entry that dealt with food, the casino, etc. not only were hand sanitizer dispensers available but staff was on hand with sprayers and instructions to make sure each passenger was sanitized. So, did anyone experience illness?

The Captain decided that we should leave port a half hour earlier than scheduled as during our "day at sea" a Hurricane Ida was approaching. Along with the Captain's voice, we were introduced to Simon, the Cruise Director, who made each announcement calling us "Sweeties". Let me explain that I get seasick quite easily. I did not prepare with a patch, ginger pills or my original plan to tote a pound of fresh ginger, not only planning on chewing it raw but strapping it against the correct pressure points on my wrist!

Stayed up until about 10 and doing karaoke...later about that...then decided to go to my room and perhaps now that I am feeling the movement of the ship to just lie down on the bed and hopefully just let the boat rock me to sleep. In fact, I called for a 7:30 a.m. wakeup call. Now, as I'm lying there, the boat is not just moving side to side but up and down. I believe that the crashing of the boat upon the 25 foot waves caused me whiplash on my back. No position would help and I had remembered from the past that any movement on my part tending to result in nausea and the need to communicate with the water in my toilet bowl.

I did not realize that my door on the balcony was not tightly shut until it flung open! How much of the water should I allow? I'm not sleeping anyway, so the howling of the wind certainly wouldn't make a difference so....Oh, Shot! Now I have to pee. I really don't want to get up! Can I blame the water that's creeping in? I decided to emerge from my bed, grab onto anything that jutted from the walls and make my way to the bathroom. Toilet or shower stall...which was easier? Opted to sit on toilet and hoping that I would be able to make my way back to the bed. As I was about to get into the bed I realized that I wasn't experiencing the dizziness, so why not close the balcony door.

I lied in bed, literally tossing and turning, thinking about Simon's morning announcements. "Hello Sweeties, have you been intimate with the floor last night? Those New Orleans drinks called the Hurricane are being served half price at the bars. As part of Sweet's voluntourism, you will be given the opportunity to preview the beach cleanup experience later this evening. We will provide mops, gloves and gas masks."

The telephone rings at 7:30 and the voice calmly says, "Good morning. This is your wakeup call." I responded with hysterical laughter followed by, "Why? Did I sleep?"

Hurricane Ida decided to hang with us for the rest of the day and most of the evening. Perhaps Ida is a lesbian, too!

Photo is of Esther's long lost daughter Ida, who didn't fare as well as I did.

Esther, the Rubber Chicken

Here is a preview of Esther, the Rubber Chicken as she lurks in Niagara Falls USA. Now, you wouldn't expect her to be eating chicken wings, would you? Apparently, she does love shrimp and about to indulge in chomping on Peter, one of the other writers on the trip.

My Mystic Trip continued

I wanted to throw in a few photos and video from when I visited The Spa at Norwich Inn. I ate at their Kensington Restaurant. Here's is photo of one of the entrees (below). I was also there to check out same-sex weddings and did a tasting. So here is a food photo as well of an entree. I just couldn't help wanting to video the bathroom located on the main floor of the inn. It just made me laugh.